Mr. Wrong: How Prince Charming can turn into a monster
Family and relationships
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We’ve discussed how ethical people behave in various situations. How do ethics or their absence impact your love life? Women often ask why, after the courting days are over, the relationship no longer reminds them of a fairy tale, but more of a tear-jerker or even a thriller, with Prince Charming who turns into a grouchy drone in run-down slippers or behaves like a monster.

In a man-woman relationship it is not always clear when we’re dealing with emotions and when the behavior is really unethical. How can you tell that the man next to you is unethical and you should run as fast and as hard as you can?

Let’s start with the fact that everyone always has a choice of how to react. For example, in response to an insult you can turn around and leave, choose one set of words or another, hit out or attack with a knife. The choice of behavior depends on the mindset and the ethical values of a person as a whole.

Generally speaking, there are two types of unethical men: an infantile “victim” and an adult manipulator.

The basic feeling of an infantile egocentric man with a typically “victimized” outlook is fear of people and of life. Such a man is not too active and is often unsuccessful. Such a person is characterized by witless manipulation of those around him and discontent with everyone and everything. This is manifested by constant complaints about everything around him. As a rule, everyone owes him and has done so for a long time.

Such a person will sabotage work, play mean little tricks on his colleagues or dish out the dirt and say nasty things behind people’s backs. He will have sticky fingers or, if he’s an official, take bribes for doing things he should do as part of his job. In a disaster, such a man will not be able to find a regular job and will most likely end up with alcoholism, depression and lots of bones to pick with his wife.

An unethical person lives in a paradigm of resource deficit and this is easily traced by typical complaints. Absolutely everyone is no good to such a man: the bosses don’t pay enough, the parents didn’t give enough care when he was little and enough money when he got older, his relatives have only bad sides and all his previous women were mercenary witches. No one has ever heard him utter a word of appreciation, admiration or delight.

You are one hundred percent guaranteed to join the numbers of his enemies quite soon, as soon as you stop being convenient. You will be appointed the responsible party for all his problems: poor career, too little money, the fact that he is a not-too-bright and weak person.

Sometimes, such a man does something silly that actually harms him and those close to him. That said, he still blames everyone around him for what has happened. That is why it is essentially unsafe to have anything to do with this type of person. It is best to steer clear of these men to begin with.

Unethical men of the second type are adult manipulators and are usually quite successful in society. Sometimes they behave like bandits, but usually they use more subtle methods. Just like the first type of men, they believe that their key goal is to get, “to wring out” of the world as much as possible and to give back as little as possible.

However, if the first type does it by conning you for pity and emotions, the second type can play subtly on other people’s motives. They are virtuoso manipulators and have enough money to buy respect by having the ability to give people orders.

The second type is often a successful businessman either as a CEO or an owner of a company. He may also work as a top official who takes bribes to resolve difficulties.

Many women are attracted to these men because they have money, power and social standing. However, the problem in living with them is that their world is made of competitors and enemies and is hostile to begin with. They most often consider a woman to be a part of the interior design and their property, not an equal partner in a relationship. They use their wives and demand obedience and comfort.

They need the woman to behave as expected and in return they are ready to provide for her materially. However, if a woman departs from this model of obedience, she risks being thrown out on the street with nothing at all. It may even happen that such people will take away children or leave the ex-wife without alimony.

Often enough a woman who has lived with this type of a man all her life, when she’s passed her fortieth birthday and the children are already grown up, suddenly finds out that she’s been exchanged for a 20-year-old and set out on the street with literally nothing, because her husband managed to write everything off in a dummy’s name. This is a common enough scenario. It is obvious that you should not build your life with a person who can do that at the drop of the hat.

What indications can we use to figure out that we are dealing with an experienced adult manipulator? His stories about work or conflicts will all amount to what a sly dog he is and how he managed to turn something into his favor by cleverly outfoxing his less experienced colleagues or partners. If fact, it is a bandit approach when a manipulator tries to “wring out” all the resources in his favor. In this same situation, an ethical person will try to reach a win-win solution that is to the benefit of both parties.

An adult manipulator enjoys humiliating his opponent or taking something away from him. He will not try to make sure that no one is offended, that everything is settled honorably, honestly and fairly. On the contrary, he will try to turn the tables in his favor without a thought for how others may feel.

Such a man may often be a psychopath or a sociopath with total lack of empathy and complete indifference to emotions of others. Sooner or later, his wife becomes one of his victims; as soon as she stops being acceptable by any criterion, starting with her looks and all the way to trying to voice her unhappiness.

HOW DOES AN ETHICAL MAN BEHAVE?

In order to understand the long-term perspective of your relationship with a man, you should look at how that person behaves in situations involving moral choice, how he reacts to the problems he encounters. 

A person who is ethical to begin with, will state things that happened to him objectively, understanding how they came about. If he was mistreated, he will not extrapolate the negative feelings toward everyone, he will have no complaint against the world as a whole.

Even if such a man is not tremendously successful in society, his family has undeniable value to him. He is kind and trustworthy and you can very well build a traditional family with him, where each has his/her own duties and tries to invest as much effort as possible into the home and children; where the spouses love and respect each other despite a limited income. In case of a divorce, you can retain excellent relations with such a husband, stay close with him, be friends and raise your children with no tag of war between you.

When we talk about a more psychologically adult and successful person, there is always a conscious exchange with the world. Such a man may unselfishly help people, be involved with a charity, volunteer work, mentoring or support of others. He does it so as to contribute to society, to make it better. This stems from the fullness of his heart, not as a means to escape himself into outside activity. An ethical person tries to maintain a balance between his interests and those of people around him. You can always tell that he chooses kindness.

In personal relationships such a man will not give promises that he cannot keep. He also always fulfils the obligations he undertakes at work. He has integrity – he does not lie, tell stories or curry favor.

An ethical person inherently respects other people; he also has respect for himself, his time and his resources. His standard of relations is exchange with an overage. That is why he will not keep relations with those who cannot handle them; he will not keep them “just in case.”

In a couple relationship, an adult ethical man is not inclined to limit his wife in her choice of work or hobby, he doesn’t set her any conditions – what she should do and what she shouldn’t, what she should wear, where she should go. This is an entirely different level of a relationship where people are valuable to each other in terms of communication and spiritual closeness, with no ties to money or routine housekeeping.

Not every woman would work for such a man, right? There is a good joke about it:

Bull and Lion are sitting in a bar, relaxing. Lion’s cell phone rings and he answers,

“Yes, dear… Having beer with Bull, dear… We’re nearly finished, yes… Do you need anything at the store? Got it, I’ll be home soon… Love you, dear.”

Bull is shocked.

“Lion, what’s the matter with you? Aren’t you the King of Beasts? Where’s your famous roar? Why didn’t you show yourself master? Bang your fist and tell her, ‘I’ll be back when I feel like it, I’m the man!’”

Lion grinned,

“Don’t you give me bull; mind you don’t confuse me with yourself! Your wife may be a cow, but mine is a lioness!”

Do you want to be treated like that? Then look at the men carefully, very carefully. That way you may find a kind and generous “Lion” and not… you know.

AS ALWAYS, HERE’S SOME PRACTICE.

Think about how your man usually behaves and compare it to the table.

1. The man found someone’s expensive phone that works.

2. A colleague at work made a mistake and has already fixed it, but your man found out about it.

3. It turns out that among the guests there is a specialist that your beloved needs.

4. His parents are planning to visit you, but you don’t like the idea.

5. You dressed up and went out with your girlfriends warning him that you’ll be back in a few hours.

6. Your favorite neighbors are asking you to look after their cat while they’re out of town and are ready to pay for it handsomely; anything, in fact, just so as not to have to take the nervous pet to the pet hotel.

7. His acquaintance bought a very expensive luxury car.

8. Your man needs some paid software.

9. You are planning to go abroad on vacation together.

10. You have had excellent service at a restaurant.

 

Infantile Victim

Adult Manipulator

Ethical Person

1. The man found someone’s expensive phone that works.

Will be glad and will not return it.

Will ask for a huge reward and will endow the owner with the feeling that he now owes him forever.

Will return the phone.

2. A colleague at work made a mistake and has already fixed it, but your man found out about it.

Will gloat and pointedly hint at the mistake at any opportunity.

Will tell the boss in secret.

Will not say anything to anyone, if the mistake was a minor one and did not endanger the organization.

3. It turns out that among the guests there is a specialist that your beloved needs.

Will wheedle and whine, complaining about life, so that your friend would help him for free.

Will demand “friendly prices” forever and for all types of services and will try to manipulate by saying that a true friend would have helped out for free, but being the fair knight that he is, he is even ready to pay something.

Will pay the full price of your friend’s service without hesitation.

4. His parents are planning to visit you, but you don’t like the idea.

Will get mad and say that you don’t love him, since you don’t want to receive his parents at your house.

Will make you clean the whole house and make a lavish dinner, all the while blaming you for being a poor housekeeper and generally useless and will try to make you feel guilty and unsure of yourself

Will move the parents’ visit to a restaurant and will not insist or blame you if you do not want to go, but will simply take them out himself.

5. You dressed up and went out with your girlfriends warning him that you’ll be back in a few hours.

Will have his feeling hurt because you have gone out all dressed up who knows where while he’s suffering hungry and lonely at home.

When you come back you will be made to feel a dissipated tart and will be flooded with contempt. Or something worse...

Will send a taxi for you in a few hours or will come to pick you up

6. Your favorite neighbors are asking you to look after their cat while they’re out of town and are ready to pay for it handsomely; anything, in fact, just so as not to have to take the nervous pet to the pet hotel.

In their absence you will hear quite a bit about the cat and the neighbors, learning, among other things, that someone else’s cat is worth more to you than your own husband.

When your neighbors come back they will find out just HOW MUCH they owe to your husband; he is sure to find a way for them to show their gratitude

Will help you with the cat; he likes animals

7. His acquaintance bought a very expensive luxury car.

Will be upset and depressed because the world is not fair – some jerks get everything and he’s got nothing.

May secretly call to his friends in the IRS or the police – who knows, maybe the new luxury car owner doesn’t pay his taxes or steals government property.

Will be glad for the guy and will remember how hard he had to study and work, so that now his position would allow him to get such large wishes to come true.

8. Your man needs some paid software.

Will download the pirate version.

Will trick the boss into paying for the software and will be proud of his cleverness.

Will simply pay for the software.

9. You are planning to go abroad on vacation together.

He will moan that everything is expensive and there is fraud everywhere. As a result you’ll go on vacation to your relatives in the boondocks and with the money saved will buy the poor dear a MacBook that he’s been dreaming about.

You will go wherever your man takes you; there is nothing to discuss, you owe him big time anyway.

Will make sure to take your wishes into account and you will choose together the solution that works for both of you.

10. You have had excellent service at a restaurant.

Will just shake his head, “What tip, this place is too expensive to begin with.”

Will find fault with something and will squeeze something complimentary out of the management.

Will leave the tip and thank the waiter.

Date of publication: 5 March 2018
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