Olga Yurkovsky especially for kleo.ru
Has this ever happened to you: you wake up in the middle of the night vaguely alarmed and cannot understand what’s the matter – after all, the children are fine, your husband is asleep right next to you, there is plenty of work, nothing happened and yet you are worried? Or, you buy a new skirt and then look at it and regret spending the money and don’t understand why you would need a twelfth skirt anyway? You dream of making a movie, writing a novel, overhauling the education system and instead, for some reason, you teach, work three jobs and trudge along, not knowing how to break out of the routine and start changing the world. Do these situations sound familiar? At first glance, they don’t seem to be related, but practice shows that there is a single unresolved problem at their roots – a woman does not feel safe.
What is the “foundation of wishes?”
The absolutely essential human need that comes first and foremost is the need for safety. Nothing else matters to your subconscious until it is met. Here is a simple example: imagine that you found a fairy (found a magic tinder box / let a jinni out of a beer bottle) and they agree to give you three wishes. You ask for a billion dollars, a mansion with a swimming pool, and Johnny Depp as he was back in 2002 for a husband. Jinni-fairy nods their head, pulls the beard, rolls the eyes and… brings you to the capital of Syria ablaze with war. There, right in the middle of explosions and horrors, you have the mansion, the swimming pool and the enamored Johnny Depp, who is ready to serve you breakfast in bed, massage your feet and live with you happily ever after. Here is the question then: Are you happy?
The answer seems obvious: as long as you are in danger, neither massage nor a swimming pool will bring you joy. They quickly recede into the background when you run in terror to check whether the windows are secure in your magicked mansion. The example is exaggerated, of course. However, it demonstrates an important rule: a person cannot feel secure while they are in danger. As much as you may distract yourself from the solution of this vital problem, your heart will flutter.
By safety I don’t really mean a fortified door or a personal bunker with reserves of oatmeal, matches and water. Safety of the present-day human is, first and foremost, a sense of security. It’s a feeling that you will have a place to live and will be able to feed your children – your own home and a certain “just in case” amount in a savings account that can serve as a safety cushion.
That amount should be enough to last you for about a year. That is just the period of time when you may need funds if you have slight health problems or lose your job and need to re-train and re-orient yourself. Security is the first stage that you cannot skip if you wish to feel relaxed and content. You cannot start thinking of fun or of projects to revolutionize the world until you have financial security.
Do not distract yourself with trifles
Have you noticed that many (especially women) start splurging as soon as they first make more than they need for immediate survival? They buy unnecessary dresses, necklaces, shoes – all at incredible prices, as a rule. They really need the latest model of an iPhone and they simply must go to Australia – to pull the kangaroo’s tail.
Getting distracted by trifles, you make yourself forget the key feminine need – the need for security. You do not create the financial cushion and, as a result, do not enjoy either the new dress or your acquaintance with the kangaroos. Because your heart keeps fluttering in fear – what if the glory of earnings ends tomorrow? Just like the “fat years” have once ended, fifteen years of satisfied stability when even the sceptics stopped waiting for the other shoe to drop and relaxed in their business class seats. So that by the time of the crisis, most were not ready because the money was foolishly spent and the financial cushion for the lean years was not ready.
You must have “extra money.” It should be enough for at least 6-12 months of comfortable living. The money should always be available, so that you can use it any time. This feeling of stability is more important than dresses, cabinets, renovation, new furniture or any other of the super-important items on your wish list. By ignoring this rule, you will wallow in things you don’t need and keep buying more and more, but the feeling of worry will march right behind you and will sour any attempt to cheer yourself.
How to create a feeling of security for yourself
You can only do it with money. Only with the conscious decision that first of all you fill build a foundation for your safety and security. Then, you can build the pyramid of your needs and wants on it. If you are married, it is best that your husband absolutely consciously open a bank account in your name and deposit enough money for a year in it. If he dies or goes to prison tomorrow, or maybe leaves you for another woman, you will feel protected and will not run around in terror screaming “What do I do? How do I feed the kids?” If your man does not take part in your finances, work it out on your own. You don’t even have to let your husband know, but you must have a security cushion – that’s all there is to it.
“I’m not worried about anything!”
It may seem that you are not worried, that you feel fine, that you are absolutely happy, and why invite trouble anyway? Yet, however much you try to convince yourself, you cannot convince your subconscious. You cannot get rid of worry by shoving it deep inside. If something happens and you are not able to earn money here and now (a lay-off, an accident, a long-term illness, a business bankruptcy) and if, for the same reason, you need a one-time large amount of money urgently and vitally – how often will you regret the money spent on clothes or furniture?
True or False
In the eastern countries people live in communities. If something happens to anyone, the whole village chips in – for a treatment, for studying or for a funeral. The family helps itself; it lives like a beehive. In the western world, there is no community help. So you only have yourself to fall back on. In a difficult situation, 90% of your friends turn their back on you, shut the door in your face and ask you to come back when you’re doing better. If, on the other hand, you have created a cushion and trouble does come, you will have enough time to make unhurried strategical decisions and work everything out. Then you will not have to find out which of your friends are true and which are false.
Sources of pleasure
As soon as you have the foundation built, you can start on the second stage of making your wishes come true – choosing the pleasures that will comprise your life. You do not have to keep spending a lot of money to get positive emotions. You can spend a couple of hours enjoying a new dress that costs a thousand dollars or spend the weekend absorbed in a book that costs ten. The only question is how well you know how to enjoy it.
Time to change the world
Once you’ve mastered the first two stages, learned how to live in harmony with yourself, enjoy any little thing, and build right relationships with those around you, you may have a global wish to change the world for the better. You may want to come up with and bring to life a large project – anything from writing a novel to creating a network of coffee houses or training centers in different countries, to improve the education or the legal system – to shape the world around you.
You can do that yourself or indirectly, by inspiring your husband to become a president, for example. Noblewomen rarely engaged in politics, but were so skilled in drawing-room intrigue that they were the envy of the secret office top brass.
Alternatively… at stage three you may make a decision to spend time on you and only you. Not to challenge the world, not to be a hero, not to lead the parade or a trip to conquer the Everest, but simply to admire the moon lying in a lounge chair next to your own swimming pool. When you go to stage three you decide for yourself what life you want to lead – a calm, content, luxurious one or one that is active, driven, filled with events and adventure.
The decision belongs to you and you only. What it is depends on your personal wishes. However, you can only make the pleasant decision at stage three, once you’ve solved the problem of security and found out what you really enjoy.