Let’s ask ourselves what the word “love”, including maternal love, really means? We are not talking about the egocentric feeling when a person loves the butterflies in their gut, but the love we feel towards someone who is near and dear to us.
I think we all agree that everyone wants their loved ones to feel good, to grow, to become a better person, to be happy, successful and influential.
What does every reasonable parent want, given that they are sane, not traumatized and not jealous of their children? They want their children to be socially successful, influential, happy and to surpass their ancestors, that is to move up on the social ladder.
If your children surpass you, your grandchildren will have a better start and your great-grandchildren an even better one. Thus, your family will thrive and prosper. It is the natural wish of a sane person.
So what should you as parents do to help your children get onto a higher social step? What kind of upbringing will help them be more influential, more prosperous and find a spouse on this new level from a more thriving and prosperous family? What should you do right now so that your grandchildren are born form the union of successful and happy parents and suffer no privations in their childhood?
As soon as you look at raising children using this paradigm, you will immediately realize that:
— It is unlikely that breastfeeding until school age and sleeping together will help the child get a good education and earn more than the parents in the future;
— It is doubtful that a hyper-caring mom who always leads her son by the hand can teach him to deal with people so that they would want to work with him, so that his bosses would want to promote him and so that his clients would want to place orders with him and no one else;
— If you do homework with your child until they graduate from high school, they are not likely to learn to deal with difficulties, to think freely or to apply to a good university on their own.
It is not for nothing that they say that however you raise your children they’ll still turn out like you. Children don’t listen to what we tell them, they look at us and learn to do the same thing by copying us.
If the child sees mom who does not like to work, read or play sports, but instead wastes her life on futile online battles about child-rearing or if the child sees and hears mom going to a hateful job and spending the rest of her life on housework or eternally fighting with her husband for the pittance of his income, it is quite likely that they will follow in her footsteps.
Children of poorly educated parents stay just as uneducated. Children of parents who make little money become grown-ups who make just as little. They simply have no other role models in their life.
What do the children see whose mothers have built a successful business or a good career? They see a model of continuous learning, development and growth of influence in society, enjoyment of the work as well as good income. In their daily life they adopt the skill of hiring cleaning staff or nanny, selecting a housekeeper, buying good quality appliances.
As we all remember from history, children of European nobles were not even allowed at the table with adults until they were around seven. Mother kissed and blessed them in the morning and in the evening and the rest of the time they spent with nannies and governesses. You cannot say, however, that there was no love among family members in those families. There was no less love than in our present-day world and quite a bit more than in poor peasant families where the percentage of child mortality was very high both from negligence and from murder of newborns.
So what should be the present-day strategy of successful upbringing?
Present-day strategy of successful upbringing
On the one hand, you have to set an example and pass on to the child your skills and knowledge, just like a master craftsman would involve apprentices in their grown-up business. Show them how you make money, why you love your job and these skills and knowledge will help your child grow and improve much more than any formal school education. This is much greater love for the children than the proverbial taking by the hand or day-to-day washing and feeding.
On the other hand, you need to take care of how the child behaves in society, how respected and influential a person they can become, how they can become a leader. To do this, you need to nurture their empathy, their respect for others, their ability to defend their boundaries.
The child will only learn such complex skills if you respect their personality. If you realize that a child is a person who is separate from you, even if they don’t know yet how to do everything and don’t know quite as much as they will in twenty years. If you find common ground with the child, instead of browbeating or humiliating them, you teach them negotiations and influencing people and keeping their own and other people’s boundaries. You are also showing much more love than if you did some routine things for them that they can do on their own.
Two childhoods – two worlds
The two different approaches to raising children produce very predictable results.
The children of an infantile and egocentric mother, who has no loved job and is not very intellectually developed, as a rule grow up to be less successful and less happy and most often repeat her in their lack of career. Because of poor nutrition (of cheap foods) they are often ill and welfare medicine only aggravates their illnesses.
On the other hand, children of successful and happy mothers grow up to be even more successful and happy. They find a partner who is worthy of them, the kind that children of infantile mothers can only dream of. They can afford good housing and expensive health insurance. Consequently, their children and grandchildren from birth have access to better nutrition, fresh air, medicine, the best private schools and top-10 universities. As for parental love that children of successful mothers are allegedly deprived of, they get more of it than children in low-income families torn between a job and housework.
The choice between building your life along the standards of a ghetto or getting to the level of nobility or at least middle class, is laid down in childhood.
It is the choice that mothers make – to devote their life to routine home service and then reproach the child with it or to build their career/business and be respected by society.
It is a choice: to hate homework or your low-paid job and to waste time on idiotic comments online or to go, once again, online and learn how to enjoy your work, how to enjoy influencing people. If you don’t know where to start, start with money thinking, you can then figure out where it is more important for you to invest.
Remember: the future of your children and your grandchildren depends on the choice you make right now.