You Liked each other on a dating website, he sent you a virtual rose and you replied with a blushing kiss. In a few hours or days you decided to meet at the new coffeehouse and he courteously paid for your cheesecake. Then he asked you to come over to his house, or hinted that there’s a cozy motel nearby… To be or not to be? Oh, what should you do? Who is to blame? And can you have sex on the first date? What is a one-nighter – a free choice of a modern woman or a dangerous step towards the abyss of low self-esteem? The most amoral psychologist of Runet Olga Yurkovskaya answers these pressing questions, unhampered by public opinion or limitations imposed by other people’s ways of thinking.
When people ask me whether you can have sex on the first date, I say, “You can do anything you like. The point is how much it will cost you and whether you are willing to pay the price.”
Imagine that you are a freelancer – a copywriter or a marketing special. If you start doing it at the rate of 10 bucks per 1,000 characters, I have bad news for you. You will keep doing it for peanuts for years, because you don’t respect yourself. No, the clients will not suddenly decide to value you and pay you 10 times more. Why should they when they get it all anyway practically for free or very, very cheaply.
If, on the other hand, to a request to set up targeted advertising you reply that you are booked until the end of March and then you can start working on the terms that are convenient for you and at a good price, your clients will treat you very differently. Yes, some of them will go away looking for a freelancer to do it for pennies, but the ones who wait up for you will invest much more. You will also get much more money and enjoy your work much more if you do not waste yourself providing free labor.
You may ask, “What’s sex to do with it?” It amounts to the same thing. If a man sees that a girl agrees to sex on the first date after meeting online, he will decide that it is because nobody wants her and she simply does not deserve a man to love her. Naturally, he will not pass up an opportunity to get for free and right away something that he would normally have to pay for (maybe not money, but time, attention and care). It would be stupid to say “no” if you can get some free female flesh.
Top 5 arguments FOR sex on the first date
“I haven’t had sex in a month!”
The proponents of sex on the first date often stress that sex is good for your health. We do not, however, live in a monastery where the only phallic item available is a carrot and grated at that! In our 21st century adult products are available to anyone and can be either bought in a store or ordered online. Such a solution seems infinitely preferable to a casual one-night stand with a casual unloved stranger. Haven’t you ever had good sex with someone you loved and who loved you? Are you are so starved that you’re ready to jump at such fast food?
“My friend married after having sex on the first date!”
Yep, and a friend of a friend of a friend once won a million bucks in a lottery. Unfortunately, to every one of these lucky ones there are hundreds of thousands of those who did not win anything. A small percentage of exceptions has no bearing on statistics. Even for a twenty-year-old, whose hormones are in overdrive, the chances of getting happily married after sex on the first date are less than 50%. By 30-40 these chances tend to vanish.
What type of a man, do you think, will run along to get a ring and flowers after spending the night with a casual acquaintance? Do you think our president will? Or a famous scientist? Or someone famous and renown worldwide? Most likely, it’ll be an infantile, egocentric, low-paid looser who is not respected by anyone. Even his budding intellect will be sufficient to realize that he should hold on to his luck and will demand of you not only sex, but good meals, clean shirts and your share in the budget.
“We are modern women and feminism gave us equal rights!”
If the original feminists had seen what some ladies have done to their teachings, they would turn in their graves en masse. Think about it, you have an opportunity to study, to work, to make money, to drive a car, to travel – all these things that our grandmothers did not have. Instead, you choose a string of one-night stands? No, that is not the way of life that the feminists fought for!
You would do better to spend your time studying, working, taking a child for a walk or reading a good book. That way, you would get specific measurable results that would improve your life.
It is infantile men who came up with the myth that casual sex is a free choice of an equal woman. They simply want the crowds of foolish free women hanging around for some easy sex.
“It’s love at first sight!”
So what can you do if there is such love aroused between you and your new acquaintance that you can’t bear it? A little reserve never got in the way of feelings, quite the contrary. Give the man an opportunity to fall in love with you. He’ll need some time for it – to think about you, to dream, to put in some effort, to have some doubts. If you agree to sex right away, there’s sure to be a red light going up in his mind: either “she’s a man-hungry slut” or “poor girl, she’s sex-starved”. You will have a very hard time then convincing him that you don’t go to bed with all men as soon as they suggest it.
You will have a hard time building a high-quality romantic relationship with such a start. If a man is truly delighted, in love with you and dreams of having a relationship with you, he will give you more respect, more care, more esteem and more consideration of your wishes and interests. He will want to invest in a relationship. If he looks down at you, he’ll expect you to invest and you will have to keep adjusting to his convenience.
“You are simply jealous!”
When the proponents of free love reach the end of their arguments, they pull out the last ace up their sleeve, “You’re simply jealous!” they scream. “We’re popular, all men want us and nobody wants you!”
Let me give you a simple example by way of a reply. Scientists who watch chimpanzees in the wild have come to the conclusion that it is the low-ranking females who scream the loudest during mating season. It is their way of convincing the males of their competitive fitness.
Top 5 arguments AGAINST sex on the first date
AIDS never sleeps or the risk of getting STD
Sex with people you don’t know is not only harmful to a woman’s self-esteem, but also increases the risk of contracting sexually transmitted diseases. Contraceptives do not work for everything; the human papilloma virus, for example, can be transmitted even when you use condoms.
You can run up against a psycho
When you go on a first date with a strange man, what do you know about him? What if he’s a womanizer (usually married, too)? What if he’s a criminal who wants to rob you? Or a gigolo? A fraudster? A psycho?
Your suitor from the dating website might simply have a regular borderline personality disorder or even schizophrenia. You can never predict what he’ll do in bed. Who knows, he might even be a homicidal maniac who likes to dismember and can women after having sex.
How embarrassing it must be to Don Pedro or the morning aftertaste
Let me tell you a story.
A husband and wife go to Spain for vacation and one night the wife disappears from their room. The husband goes to look for her and the maid tells him that his wife went to see Don Pedro. “Who’s this Don Pedro? Where is he?” cries the cuckolded husband. “He has the luxury suite in the penthouse,” says the maid.
The husband tiptoes up to the penthouse, sidles in and sees this tableau: there is quiet music, a sumptuous bed, in the bed there is the tanned, slim, handsome and manly Don Pedro. The bathroom door opens and his wife comes out. She’s pale, disheveled, with stretch marks across her stomach, cellulite patches and hanging breasts… The husband looks at her and thinks, “My goodness, this must be so embarrassing to Don Pedro…”
That is exactly how a man with whom you agreed to have sex on the first night sees you in the morning. And he will think this sex, as is usually the case with the first sex of strangers, not too great, nothing like the amazing sex he’s had with the woman he loves.
No, I am not telling all women whose body is not perfect to wrap themselves in a sheet and crawl to the cemetery. The problem is not in having the figure of a top model, nor in sex techniques or poses; the problem is in the man’s emotions. If a man loves you, every one of your cellulite patches and hairs will be beautiful in his eyes. So give him a chance to love you, don’t jump into bed an hour after you meet him for the first time.
Instant one-time mating with every Tom, Dick and Harry will never make a woman happy. Whatever she says, she will feel used anyway. Every one-night stand with anyone except her loved one is another nail in the coffin of a woman’s self-esteem and a waste of energy.
For an intelligent grown-up woman it is normal to want to live in a mutual love relationship with a worthy man, to want to be comfortably off, to be respected in society. Sleeping with just anyone is a sure way to feeling an unloved and unrespected looser.
Ask yourself why do you not want to have sex in a normal mutual love relationship with a normal mature person? Why do you believe yourself worthy only of one-night stands? Where does this self-devaluation come from?
What advice would you give your daughter?
If you’re still thinking of whether or not you should have sex on the first date, imagine what kind of advice you would give to your daughter.
Should she have sex right away, as soon as it bowls over her or should she wait for her young man to fall in love with her?
Should she freely dispose of her body as befits a modern woman or should she choose a worthy man out of all her admirers?
Should she be a loved and respected woman or a used-up looser?
You can count on the mythical luck of the lottery tickets or you can clearly and consistently learn.
Look at all your actions from the long-term perspective and always think, “What specific, measurable result will I have if I do this?”
Then you will enjoy mutual love and happiness.